I have this sick and twisted theory.
But unfortunately I believe it.
It’s this theory that, when it comes to romantic relationships, the “good girl”, and by that I mean the loyal friend who deeply cares about the guy and would do anything for him, usually loses.
And I’ll tell you why.
In the past week, seven of my friends have been in this exact situation:
Guy: Wow, Hi, girl. You’re super cool. Let’s hang out.
Girl: OMG, guy asked me to hang out!
- they hang out *
Guy: Wow, she is amazing.
Girl: Wow, he’s perfect. Hanging out was so fun.
Guy: Well, I hope we can stay friends!
Girl: Wait, what?
He panics. He meets someone he loves spending time with but she’s too good. She’s innocent and quirky and too kind. So she’s friendzoned. Because she’s “serious dating material”, not “random hookup material”. She would require effort, would be an emotional investment, and that’s just too scary. But he’ll keep her around as a friend so that in two or three years when he wants a serious girlfriend, he can ask her out. And until then he’ll keep her up all night as she tries to figure out whether he likes her. OH, and in the mean time, he’ll be super vague and never honest about how he really feels.
And so the good girl loses. She stays up all night wondering what she did wrong, wondering why, after she clearly noticed this connection, it’s all of a sudden over.
See, this is the sick theory: Guys keep the good girls by their side as future, and I mean waaaaay future, serious dating material. They flirt enough with them to keep them coming back, but they never quite make a move. And in the mean time they hook up with the available girls because it has no strings attached.
Meanwhile the girl is completely bummed because she’s ready for that commitment and she doesn’t understand why the guy won’t see what’s right in front of him.
But don’t stop reading and think this is some feminist rant about how boys are the problem. Because it’s girls, too.
We flit around with guys we know aren’t good enough for us, we crave attention from guys who aren’t even sincere about the attention, and we find our worth in the number of guys giving us that attention.
And then we panic when the good guy comes along and likes us for the right reasons. We tell him, “No, I’m not looking for a relationship right now”, when really we’ve wanted one all along. We’re just scared of commitment, emotional connection, and real love. So we sink back to the familiar guys, the ones who really don’t even know us, instead of saying, “YES!!!!! I like you!!!!! And I’m not afraid to admit it!!!!!”
Instead of saying, “THANK YOU for liking me for all the right reasons! Thank you for knowing me, for caring, for loving me.” Instead of saying, “Thank you for being someone I can be myself around. Thank you for keeping your eyes on me.”
Instead of all of that we lie and we continue to chase.
I hate it. I hate that we do this. I hate that we chase, then don’t let ourselves be caught. I hate that we don’t commit, yet complain that we’re not in a relationship.
And I hate that whenever I break from this typical chase to admit to someone that, hey, I think you’re really great, and hey, I kinda want to date you and go through life together, that it’s somehow weird, pathetic, or awkward.
Why can’t I just say how I feel? Why can’t I just let you know that I appreciate you?
Because we’re all scared. We’re scared of hurting each other. We’re scared of commitment. We’re scared of emotional vulnerability. We’re scared of labels. We’re scared of the future. We’re scared of connection. We’re scared of losing the people we love.
But you know what? I’m not scared. For some reason I’m not scared of those things. Maybe it’s because I had a boyfriend for a year and a half and lost him and am still functioning. Maybe it’s because I can’t help but be emotionally vulnerable all the time. Maybe it’s because I know that if the guy responds like that, then he isn’t worth my time. Maybe it’s because I just hope my friendships are deep enough that they wouldn’t be ruined by honesty. I don’t know why, but it doesn’t matter, because the result is that I am way too open with guys.
I don’t pretend I don’t like you, I don’t wait twenty minutes to reply to your text to act like I wasn’t watching your typing bubble the whole time, I don’t pretend not to see you on campus as if I don’t get that excited when I run into you. I don’t carefully craft my snap chats to make sure they show me in the best angle.
No, I reply the second I read your message. I send three back. I wave like an idiot when I see you, even if you’re a mile away. I reply to your snap chat even if I’m in my PJ’s and have my retainer in, because I’m so honored that you reached out. I tell all my friends how great you are. And I lie in bed at night wondering if you’ll ever feel the same way. Because I have emotions! And I care! And you make happy!
So maybe I’m crazy. (No, what am I saying, I am sooooo crazy. And if you didn’t realize that before reading this sentence, meet me. Or read any of the other posts.)
So, yeah, I’m crazy, but I’m honest. I put myself on the line. And if you don’t feel the same way, I might cry a little. And curse you under my breath once or twice. But then I’ll move on. And I’ll still think you’re great. And I’ll be excited for the girl who gets to have you by her side. And it’ll be okay.
But do me a favor, would you? Don’t act like it’s so strange when I tell you how I feel. Don’t act like I’m desperate or rash or impatient. Just appreciate me for trying to be honest. Because, let me tell you, a lack of honesty ruins a whole heck of a lot of relationships. And I want to start on the right foot.
So to all those “good girls” out there who are always the guy’s sidekick: He notices you. He appreciates you. He’s just immature and scared.
And to all the “good guys” out there who always feel overshadowed by the other aloof guys: She notices you. She appreciates you. She’s just immature and scared.
So how about we all grow up, face our fears, and put ourselves on the line. Because I know those seven friends that came to me this week would really, really appreciate some honesty. And I would, too.
Hey, I kinda like you. Do you like me, too?